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When I considered my father’s words, I imagined that what mattered to him was my well-being. I imagined that he was concerned about me and surprised at the state of my apartment. I sensed that he cared for me but didn’t know how to express his caring in a way I could hear.

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The fibers in the “garment of destiny” are those things that matter to us. These things (or “life energies”) are universal human needs. Needs motivate all that we do, they are shared by all people, and they can be met in many ways. Categories of human needs include things such as survival, self-expression, safety, and purpose, as well as what matters to us in the social and emotional realms. Reconciliation asks us to look underneath the specific words and actions we observe, to discover the needs active in ourselves and others.


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My awareness that I needed care and support, and my guess that my dad needed my well-being set the stage for our reconciling dialogue. I shared what mattered to me and listened closely to understand what mattered to my father. With this common understanding, we were able to reconcile our superficial differences and make an agreement about the future.