When I tell him I want more he tells me that I don't have the time. Well that's sorta true I guess. I have a child. I'm not the one that will up and leave my baby to hang out with a guy. For the past few months I have been having weekend off and weekend on. So on my off weekend I'm free to see him and have all the time. But it seems like those are always the weekends when we are at each other's throat. Now granted we will fight, yell, and scream, but that is no reason for us not to hang out. We will be mad and still see each other. But it just pissed me off when he said I don't have time.
One of my really great friends made a valid point when discussing this today. Not only do we end up having to foot the bill for the babysitter or the bill of pride by asking yet again another family member to step in on their behalf. But we are also making up to our kids. I spend my weekends taking Camden out. Experiencing new things with him. So if he doesn't show up or can't babysit that's more money out my pocket I'm using to cover your behind.
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Have you seen the Kevin Durant MVP speech? I mean if that's not the story of a single mother then I don't know what is. He made me cry. He gave me hope. She made me pick up my head and she made me realize how my struggle was her struggle and your struggle too.
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I feel like such a screw up at times. Like I could be doing so much better with Camden and I know I could be. But I think this comes with the story. Like everyone always feels like they could be doing better right? I feel like a screw up when I haven't accomplished everything I need to. When the day starts at 6am and I'm ready for it to be over at noon. I feel like a horrible mother when I yell at Cam or tell him that mommy needs a minute. When I scream at him and say "Camden leave me a lone for 5 seconds". I legit feel like a terrible mom. But it's only because I can't control every second of him. I can't control the day or our time, I can't control what goes wrong or what goes right. And even though he's a great kid I feel like I'm a nervous reck behind the scene and that can't be good.
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The thing is I may have to take Camden out of daycare because I may be inbetween jobs in a month. Now this would seem like so much fun if I hadn't just did this for 6 months prior to landing this job. But it doesn't to me. It seems like a nightmare. Last time I was going nuts. Completely overwhelmed and too much time together. That may sound horrible but it's true. What parents doesn't long for dropping their children off at school? I know I do. Even on my off days I take him. Just so I can shower, get dressed and make my bed in pure silence. So I can watch The Today show, with no interruptions. Every parent wants to ship their kids off for a few hours, I'll just be the first to admit it for the world to see.